^^^^^^ Click in case of meltdown

QUESTION AND ANSWER:

Q: WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS WEBSITE THING?

Fun Answer- Aesthetic and creative play! Morally Rightous Answer- To reject the fucked up design of social media and websites that are reducing me to data and controlling the ways I view media and the world. Vulenerable Answer: For whatever reason I haven't felt real for much of my life. I've tried to gain self-knowledge through my interactions with others but I feel farthest away from myself when I'm around people. I want to build myself up and doing that with HTML and art the organized structure of a website makes more sense to me than anything else has.

Q: WHAT'S A SONG YOU'VE BEEN OBSESSED WITH LATELY?

Q: WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN READING?

891.73
War and Peace
Лев Толстой
Signet Classics, 1968
ISBN 0451523261
[Classic Literature][History][Russian Empire][Fiction][Russia][Historical Fiction]
This epic was originally published in its full-length book format in Russia in 1869. The version I read was the 1968 Signet Classics edition translated by Ann Dunnigan. The book is written within the literary realism and historical fiction traditions and follows a cast of characters, mostly Russian nobility, during the Napoleonic Wars from 1805 to 1820. This version did not include French-to-English translations which was a disappointment given that 2% of the novel is written in French.

Q: HOW HAVE YOU BEEN DOING? PARDON MY ASSUMPTION BUT, KNOWING YOU, IT'S PROBABLY AT THE WHIM OF THE TIDES.

You know me well, anonymous creature! I find myself oscillating frequently between heavily contrasting states -- "on the brink of rapture or despair" as Tolstoy writes (p. 556). I've always latched on to another being to help me withstand these moods but that is no more. Thus, I rattle through the air at times and, more often, sink beneath the heavy soil. I want to be someone who is committed to life but it's with death I often find myself.

Q: IF YOU HAD TO SUM THIS UP IN A SONG LYRIC WHAT WOULD IT BE?

Q: WHAT HAS HELPED YOU IN TIMES WHEN YOU FIND YOURSELF BENEATH THE GROUND?

I need to remember that there are no heros waiting to rescue me from myself. I unconsciously bury myself and I must arduously dig myself back out. This is my Sisyphysian fate -- endless suffering and infinite joys. In small moments I can find that small poppy seed of consistent self that is present during both rapture and despair. It's good when I can find that seed and hold on to it. Last night I went on a walk up the hill behind my house and brought with my binoculars, a pen, and a tiny black leather notebook with eyes painted on it. I walked until my body was coated in sweat and my head was spinning and stopped at an oasis of junipers and underbrush near a creek. I spent maybe two hours in silence listening to the birds (towhees and flickers and nuthatches) and attuning to the sonic environment. Later when I got home I swept the porch and laid on the floor with the cats. I watched the shadows move across the ceiling as we listened to XO by Elliott Smith. I found the poppy seed amid the despair that night.

Q: WHAT PROJECTS ARE YOU WORKING ON THIS MONTH [AUGUST 2026]?

[ ] Getting this site up and running

[ ] Submit article to the Mountain Messenger

[ ] Practice piano, I'm trying to learn the major chords and a couple songs

[ ] Work on a longer animation, maybe 2-5 minutes

[ ] Survive survive survive survive just keep fucking going just continue on

Last Updated: 12 AUGUST, 2026. Site Map.